


You always die twice

by Polarnacht



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Adoption, Alec Lightwood-centric, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Family Feels, Grieve, Loss, Love, M/M, Parabatai, Parabatai Bond, Siblings, Suicidal Thoughts, dealing with death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-01
Updated: 2020-02-01
Packaged: 2021-02-28 03:27:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22516987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Polarnacht/pseuds/Polarnacht
Summary: "When Valentine drove the sword into Jace’s body, Alec cried out in pain, clutching his bleeding Parabatai rune. He screamed like he never had screamed before, even if he was thousands of miles away, he felt the pain Jace was in, he felt his Parabatai slip away, he felt him dying, he felt something inside himself die. And all he could do was scream, being too far away to do anything else. "What happens when Clary doesn't save Jace from the dead? How will Alec cope with the death of his Parabatai?
Relationships: Alec Lightwood & Jace Wayland, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 12
Kudos: 106





	You always die twice

**Author's Note:**

> I read this quote this morning and I just had to write this story, it just wrote itself so to say. The quote is from Bansky, a famous artist.  
> The story is more set in the book Shadow World, but as there are some elements from the Show I tagged both. 
> 
> As a warning: Max Lightwood is dead in this story, as in the books

***

They say you die twice. One time when you stop breathing and a second time, a bit later on, when somebody says your name for the last time.

Banksy

They prepared for the final battle against Valentine. Valentine’s plan was to rise the Angel Raziel with the help of the Mortal Cup, the Mortal Sword and the newly discovered Mortal Mirror, Lake Lyn, a lake close to Alicante, capital of the Nephilim homeland Idris. Valentine wanted to use the wish the Angel would grant him to wipe out the entire Downworld.

Jace and Clary were determined to stop him and do so alone. Alec hated the idea from the beginning, but, as always, he couldn’t say no to his Parabatai and he let Jace convince him that Alec was needed somewhere else in this battle. Had he just learned to say no at any point in their relationship.

“Be careful” he said to Jace, cupping his cheek gently.

“When have I ever been not careful?” Jace gave back with a slight smirk.

Alec knew the words were said to make him stop worrying, but it didn’t work. It made his stomach turn, but he kept his mouth shut. These were the last words he would ever say to his Parabatai, brother, soulmate and so much more. If he had just known, he would have told the blond how much he was loved, something Jace never seemed quite to grasp and believe. But despite his unsettled feelings, he hadn’t known, so he said nothing. He just let him go.

When Valentine drove the sword into Jace’s body, Alec cried out in pain, clutching his bleeding Parabatai rune. He screamed like he never had screamed before, even if he was thousands of miles away, he felt the pain Jace was in, he felt his Parabatai slip away, he felt him dying, he felt something inside himself die. And all he could do was scream, being too far away to do anything else. _“For wither thou goest, I will go_ ” this had been his oath to Jace, and he had broken it. And this was his punishment. When he hit the ground, his body and mind were not able to take it anymore and he slipped into merciful darkness.

When Alec woke up, for a split second his mind was still in denial, for a split second he felt whole again, for the last time in his life. But then he felt it. It was not pain, it was worse. There was just a nothingness were the steady stream of emotions and comfort from his Parabatai should be. With a gasp, his hands found the rune, which was not there anymore, replaced by thin, white scars. His Jace was really dead. The realization hit him like a truck, he couldn’t help the whimper coming from his throat. How was he supposed to live when his other half had died? He felt strong arms surround him and he breathed in the familiar scent of dusk, flowers and sandalwood, resting his forehead on the strong shoulder of his warlock. On his other side, his sister flung her arms around him, sobbing quietly. The three of them sat there for a long time, mourning their brother, Parabatai and friend.

Later Alec learned that they had defeated Valentine and won the war. Clary had killed her father and his army, the Circle, had been overpowered and destroyed once and for all by the Clave. Alec couldn’t bring himself to care. The Shadow World had suffered severe losses, a lot wounded, even more dead. The funeral pyres were burning constantly, covering the Silver City Alicante in dusk and smoke. The New York Institute had not suffered any further fatal losses except Jace, a circumstance Alec was glad for, selfishly so. It meant he had only to attend one funeral, Jace’s. It felt like his own.

The pyre was huge, Jace lying on top of it, looking like the lost child he had always been. Alec had to fight every urge to climb the pyre and cling himself to his Parabatai to be burnt alongside him. He had helped wash and prepare Jace, the last thing he would ever do for his brother. He had washed away the blood and the dirt, washed his hair and styled it the way Jace had always loved it, combing the blond hair so tenderly as if Jace was still alive. But he wasn’t and he never would be again. Alec had washed away his own tears he had shed over his Parabatai’s body. Carefully, he had drawn the red mourning rune on Jace’s white gear, the Remembrance rune, the same rune he had drawn on his hip, right next to where his Parabatai rune had been. The white scars stood in a harsh contrast to the red of the rune, a permanent rune, which would only fade the moment Alec would join Jace in death.

Alec would be lying if he said he had not considered it. Following Jace. But he knew, if there was an afterlife and if Jace was waiting for him, the blond would be furious. He knew he himself would have been, if he had died first, he would have wanted Jace to live. And so he did. He carried on. And he had something to live for. He still had Magnus, the love of his life, who stood steadily by his side. He had his sister, who already had lost two brothers, Max and Jace, who, even if she was the strongest person Alec had ever known, would certainly not recover from the death – suicide – of her third brother. There was the Institute, which he ran and the Shadowhunters and Downworlders who relied on him. There were plenty of things to live for, but when he watched the body of his brother burn, he was not sure if it was enough.

When the flames surrounded and consumed Jace fully, Alec’s knees would have given in if it were not for Magnus’ strong arms around his waist who held him upright. He saw the silent tears on his lover’s cheeks and he heard the soft whines of his sister. Alec himself couldn’t cry, not anymore. All tears he had had in his body had already been shed, leaving him dry and hollow. Alec remembered the words he had read a long time ago and had stuck to him ever since: “They say you die twice. One time when you stop breathing and a second time, a bit later on, when somebody says your name for the last time.” Alec had not been able to prevent the first, but he vowed to himself to make sure the second would never happen. Jace would never die twice.

The next months went by in a blur. He still felt empty, his hand constantly touching the non-existing Parabatai rune, his heart seeking the bond, which was severed, his soul looking for Jace’s piece inside of him and aching for the missing piece which had died alongside his Parabatai. He wondered, if he were ever able to feel whole again, at peace again – alive again, as, even if he lived, he didn’t feel alive. That his heart didn’t turn to stone was only thanks to Magnus, who managed to coax a smile out of him here and there, who was by his side if he wanted or not. Alec had to admit that often he didn’t, sometimes wanting to throw himself into his sorrow and misery to never emerge from it again. Other times he kissed the warlock as if Magnus was the oxygen, which kept him alive, and frankly, he was. He was so grateful that Magnus was still by his side and not wavering in his affection and love. Sometimes, he even remembered to tell him that.

As always, Alec tried to be there for his sister. Izzy was devastated, too. She had accepted and loved Jace as her brother the moment the 10-year-old boy had stepped through the portal and had been introduced to them as Jace Wayland. She had not doubted him a second when the rest of the Shadow World had suspected him a traitor and doomed him. She had always stood by his side. Izzy loved like she did all things, with her whole heart. And her heart being ripped in pieces for the second time in her young life, was not easy for her to deal with. She knew, that most probably, hopefully, eventually, her heart would knit itself back together again, but she also knew that it would never be the same again, just like after the death of their beloved little brother Max.

She just hoped that Alec’s heart would also heal along the way, she knew that it was even harder for her big brother. Not that he or she compared, they both had lost one of the most important persons in their life. At least Alec had Magnus – and well, she had Simon. At the beginning, she hadn’t trusted the geeky boy’s feelings, but no matter how awful she had been to him, how challenging, how rude, he had always returned to her the next day, offering her a smile and his love. And slowly, oh so slowly, she had allowed her broken heart to feel again and love back. This new love, the love for a boyfriend would never replace the love for a brother, but it was a start, a start to a new beginning where she could see something like happiness waiting for her.

Unless for hunting, Alec still wore white. He couldn’t bring himself to go back to his usual attire of different shades of black. He was still mourning and he wanted the world to see. He wanted to scream it into their oblivious faces that one of their greatest warriors had died, that one of the greatest persons on earth, his Parabatai, had died and that they all should mourn and that the world should stop spinning. Of course he did neither of these things, but yet, white was his color of choice. He wondered if and when it would feel right to wear different colors again.

Alec stood by his vow. No day went by where he didn’t think of Jace and he mentioned him to everyone who was willing to listen, even to the ones who weren’t. At the beginning, it was frantic, as if there was no way for Alec to stop. His whole world spun around his lost brother, not being able to focus on anything else.

Gradually, he managed to take over one task after the other from Lydia again, who had stepped in as interims Head of the Institute and did an amazing job. It were small steps, but there was progress. To his relieve, Magnus, Izzy, Lydia, even the annoying vampire Simon were happy to share his stories of Jace, not covering his death up in silence as it often was the case. Alec had moved in with Magnus, not being able to stand the emptiness of the Institute. He was glad to escape his Shadowhunter duties for the nights, finding solitude in the domestic rituals he and Magnus developed. Unlike his sister, he really had a knack for cooking and loved to try out new recipes.

Whenever he was not able to sleep, awakened by the phantom pain of his Parabatai rune, which was more nights the case than not, he stood up, trying to not wake up Magnus. He watched cooking show after cooking show, and baked and cooked along with them. Magnus was used to wake up to an empty bed and a delicious smell coming from the kitchen.

The warlock worried for his Shadowhunter. Being 400 years old, he had had his fair share of losses, he had buried many friends and lovers. Some deaths still hurt, others had faded with time, the memory of the beloved still lingering in the back of his mind, but not causing him current pain. The most painful memory was still the one of his mother, who had killed herself because of the being Magnus was. But even with the amount of deaths and losses, he knew that Alec’s loss went deeper. He hadn’t lost only a brother, which was bad enough, he had lost part of his soul and, more important, he had lost part of Jace’s which had always been inside of Alec.

Being Parabatai went far beyond any other known bond. Magnus had understood this when he had entered the relationship with Alec, he knew that Alec was a package deal. His love for the Shadowhunter ran deep and therefore he accepted that Jace would always be close by. He never doubted the earnest of Alec’s love for him, but Alec’s love for his Parabatai was just as deep – in a platonic way. Magnus had known that and accepted that. Over the time, the blond had grown on him, especially in the time they lived together. Jace’s troubled childhood, the abuse of his father at the Morningstar, the outcast from the Clave, it all had appealed to his heart and once he had seen through Jace’s façade of cockiness, Magnus had discovered the kind, loving and insecure boy inside. He deeply mourned the death of him, not only for his lover’s sake, but for the sake of the blond himself, and also for his own, as he had lost a true friend. So he understood the ordeal Alec went through, even if he could not comprehend the full extend. But he made sure to support Alec the best way he could, sometimes the best way was to just sit by his side and try every new dish the raven boy sat in front of him.

Alec tried to avoid having free time when Magnus was not around. If it happened, he spent his time at the loft, trying to find a way to keep himself busy, baking, cooking, reading. He learned more about potions and spells than he ever had wished for.

He was reading a complicated procedure of summoning a demon when a sharp knock on the door interrupted him. He sighed, not being in the mood for company, but nevertheless, he got to the door. It could be someone for Magnus, after all. When he saw who was standing in front of the door, he cursed inwardly.

A familiar face with red hair looked at him pleadingly, the tears which were about to fall down barely hidden. It was no secret that he had never liked Clary, and even though at the beginning they had been united in their grieve, that momentum had passed quickly and their lives had separated again. Clary was still at the New York Institute, but she was now mainly busy with completing her training and covering the basic education each Shadowhunter went through, something they should have done the moment the girl had shown up.

But Alec saw the genuine despair in the girl’s eyes, so he opened the door and gestured her in. She sat down awkwardly at the edge of the sofa, fidgeting with her hands in a nervous manner, which made Alec want to go up the walls. Nevertheless, he sat down beside her, leaving enough space to still feel comfortable but not being offending. Before she could say a single word, the tears started to fall and small sobs drew out of her mouth. Alec cursed again, silently, and he patted her back, trying his best to sooth her.

“I know, Clary, I miss Jace too.”

“You can’t know Alec. I loved him. And I killed him, it is all my fault,” she sobbed.

“He has a name. Jace. Use it” Alec snapped, he hated the way Clary always referred to his Parabatai as “him” and not addressing him with his name. Realizing that Clary had flinched back at his words, he let out a small sigh and continued with a softer voice.

“You are not responsible for his death. Valentine killed Jace. There is nothing you could have done to prevent it.”

“But I could have brought him back.” It was said in such a low voice that Alec barely registered it.

“What? What are you saying?” He stared at her in disbelief.

“After my father killed Jace, he rose the Angel Raziel. But as I managed to kill him and it was my blood which awakened the Angel, he granted me one wish. I could have wished for his life. But I didn’t.”

Alec couldn’t breathe, for a moment he was sure that he would never be able to breathe again. Jace could have lived. He could be alive. If the girl only had chosen to wish for it. Alec didn’t have it in him to ask her what she had wished for, if she had wished for anything at all. He just wanted her to be out of his hair, out of his life and he never wanted to see her face again.

Maybe wishing for something else like world peace – not that there were no wars anymore – was the more noble thing to do, maybe someone who was dead should not be brought back to life, but Alec didn’t care. He would have done anything to prevent Jace’s death, hell, he would have traded his own life for the blond’s. But he had not been given this chance, Clary had been. And she hadn’t taken it. She really had killed Jace in a way. He knew that he would never be able to forgive Clary this.

When he received her official request to join the Shadowhunter Academy to complete her training he just felt relieve. He had never signed a paper as quickly as this one. He was also glad to hear that Izzy had turned down Clary’s offer to become her Parabatai. Izzy had never wished for one, she was too independent to bind her soul to someone else, especially someone that self-centered than the redhead.

Despite being the Head of the Institute, a role, which he now shared equally with Lydia, he still went on missions to hunt down demons. He still liked the rush of adrenaline running through his veins, reminding him that in deed he was alive. But it was never like before. He still caught himself sometimes scanning the area for Jace, trying to have his brother’s back as he used to for so many years. The way Izzy sometimes turned her head to the left, Jace’s side, told him that Izzy did the same. “Three in, three out” had been the vow the siblings had made to each other when they had been very young, still believing there was always a way to pull through. The death of their baby brother Max had been the beginning; Jace’s death was another milestone of a rough path of pain, which was not yet to end.

The latest mission had been especially exhausting, the missing piece of their triad more raw and obvious than ever. Alec felt numb and tired to the bones, all he wanted was to take a hot shower and bury himself in his lover’s arms to forget that the world even existed. He fumbled with his keys to get the door of the loft unlocked, when a soft sob caught his ear. He shook his head lightly, not knowing if he had heard correctly. He took his Stele out of his back pocket and enabled his hearing rune and then there was it again. A soft, desperate whimper. He looked around and then he spotted the child, who sat crouched against a wall, trying to hide behind a dustbin.

Slowly Alec approached the kid, not wanting to scare it more.

“Hey, little one” he said in a soft voice. “My name is Alec. Do you need help?”

He slid down next to the kid, realizing that he was a boy. The blond boy was covered in bruises, a nasty cut on his upper lip, which was still bleeding a little, showed Alec that he had been in a recent fight. The clothes of the kid looked dirty, covered in dust. The boy had mid-long blond hair, which fell into his eyes, Alec guessed the kid was around five. At his question, the boy shook stubbornly his head.

“You cannot help me.”

“And why is that?” Alec asked, his voice still gentle and soothing.

“You will not believe me, just like the other adults, just like the other kids. But I am not nuts.” The voice of the boy was trembling, but the urgency and vehemence with which the words were spoken went directly to Alec’s heart.

“Believe me, little one, I have seen so much in my life, I don’t think anything can surprise me. Just try me,” Alec said, a bit challenging.

The boy took the bait and looked up, for the first time he met Alec’s gaze. Alec drew in a shaky breath. He knew those eyes, no, he knew the hunted look in those eyes. Even if the eyes were brown and not blue with a hint of gold, they were Jace’s eyes. Broken, lost, in desperate search of love, trust, a home. He felt his heart open up. In this moment, he knew he would do anything to protect the boy in front of him, no matter what it would cost him. Even if it meant de-runing for becoming involved with a mundane. But he would make sure that this boy was safe again.

“My parents died a year ago,” the boy suddenly announced before falling silent again.

Alec nodded. He had always hated it when others had told him how sorry they were, even if they hadn’t cared about Jace at all or hadn’t known him. It always had felt like an empty phrase. So he just said.

“My brother died too. It’s been nearly a year now and I still miss him every day, so much.” The kid was still crying, silent tears falling down his cheeks.

“How did he die?”

Alec hesitated for a moment, but from the looks of the boy, there was no need to sugarcoat anything, this boy had been through enough to know that the world was not only a place for the good but also a place for the evil.

“He was killed by a bad man.” The boy nodded.

“My parents were also killed. But not by a human.” The last part was only a whisper, Alec doubted he would have understood it if he hadn’t activated his enhanced Shadowhunter hearing. He stumbled over the word human the boy had used.

“So what killed your parents?” The boy was silent for a while.

“A monster” he whispered, his breathing shaking. “They were killed by a monster with yellow eyes and monkey-like hands. The monster had a long, needle-tipped tail. And it hissed the whole time. The tail pierced through their bodies and impaled my parents. I was so scared.”

Alec let out the breath he had not known he was holding. The boy described a Scorpios demon. A normal human was not supposed to see demons, even if they got attacked by one their mind would make a normal animal out of the demon. But the boy had seen it and was even able to give an exact description. It could only mean that the kid had the sight.

He slowly reached for the kid’s face to brush away the tears gently with his thumb.

“I believe you” he said firmly. “It was not a monster though; it was a demon who killed your parents. A Scorpios demon to be precise. And I would have been scared too. There is no shame in being scared. Only dumb people know no fear.” The boys brown eyes widened in astonishment.

“You know of the monsters? Uh, demons?” Alec nodded.

“What do you say, you tell me your name and then we can go to my place, to clean you up a little and give you some food. And then you can tell me the whole story and I can see how I can protect you.”

The boy hesitated, clearly battling an inner fight. He was not supposed to go with strangers, but since his parents had died he had no place to go to. He had been tossed in an orphanage, but the other kids had laughed at him and made fun of his story. They had beaten him bloody and stolen his food and few belongings he had had. The adults who ran the place had not been much better. He had told them the story how his parents had been killed, but they hadn’t believed him. They wanted to give him medicine against it. That was the moment the boy had decided to run. So this stranger, Alec, he reminded himself, was the first kind person he had met in a long time. And he believed him. So he nodded, taking the offered hand. When the small hand reached for his and hold on to him, Alec smiled, the first genuine smile in a long time.

***

It was not easy for them to settle down. The boy had been traumatized and it took him a long time to fully trust Alec and even longer to trust Magnus. At first, he refused to tell them his name, being afraid to be sent back once they figured out where to send him back to. Only the constant reassurance that they didn’t intend to do so made the boy give in. One morning, after roughly a month, he said out of a sudden “Jules. My name is Jules.” Alec smiled at him. “That’s a great name. Reminds me a bit of my brother’s name. His was Jace. He was also as stubborn as you are.” The boy pouted a bit, but couldn’t help the small smile. He also thought his name was a good one.

Magnus chuckled when he heard the conversation. He knew that the boy reminded Alec of a young Jace and he knew that Alec wanted to protect him – keep him. He was fine with it, he loved the idea to be precise, but they had to make it official, which would be tricky.

That the boy had the sight helped a lot, they had a chance that they could convince the Clave that Jules was a good candidate for ascending. Ascending was a dangerous procedure, mundanes had to drink from the Mortal Cup to see if they were worthy of being a Shadowhunter. After a proper training Jules certainly would be, the sight was strong in the child. He had seen straight through a lot of glamours Magnus and Alec had challenged him with. If the Clave agreed to that, there was still the matter of adoption. The Clave allowed only married people to adopt children. At least, they made no differentiation between same sex couples and hetero couples, at least not any longer. But Alec and him were not married yet. And, of course, Jules had to agree to live with them permanently. But first, they wanted to figure out if it was possible for them to adopt him, not wanting to get the young boy’s hope up for nothing.

As Alec had connections to high-ranking officials, the Clave finally agreed on Jules staying with Alec and Magnus and also letting them adopt him, if they got married and if they agreed to let Jules ascend as soon as he had completed his training.

After the war, the Clave was in desperate need of Shadowhunters to refill their ranks. When Alec heard the decision he closed his eyes in relieve for a while. He had been prepared to choose the life of a mundane along with Jules, but he was glad that he was not forced to do it. When he told Magnus, he saw the joy and love in the warlock’s eyes.

“We are having a child, we really do. I always wanted to become a father and never thought it possible. Thank you Alexander.”

Alec smiled and kissed Magnus, a passionate, deep kiss, before he dropped to his knee. He drew a ring from a box, the Lightwood heirloom ring, holding it up in front of Magnus.

“I know you wanted to marry in Shadowhunter gold and Warlock blue, and I know that right now we are not allowed to do it. But I wanted to ask you, Magnus Bane, if you want to marry me nevertheless. Please.”

Magnus sank on his knees beside Alec. “Of course I will. Now with Jules in the picture the technicalities don’t matter. I want you and I want him.”

They kissed again, Alec felt happier than he had ever thought he could feel again.

He still missed Jace every day, there would be always an empty spot in his heart and soul, a place, which belonged to his Parabatai, but he knew now that there was something worth living for. He would never forget the joy in Jules’ eyes when they asked him if he wanted to be their son. Alec vowed to himself, that he would always protect their little one, that no one would ever hurt him again. And he would make sure that the boy never forgot his real parents. He wrote everything down the boy told him about them, Magnus made magical photos from Jules’ memories, so that he had something to hold on to, even if his mind forgot the exact appearance of them at some point of time. He placed the photos next to pictures of Jace and Max, so that they were all next to each other, always in the middle, never forgotten.

The wedding was small but beautiful, Izzy and Catarina Loss being best women. They took on a double name, Lightwood-Bane. Alec had never been more proud of his name than then. Shortly after the wedding, the adoption was official. Jules Lightwood-Bane was now a proud member of the famous Shadowhunter/Warlock family.

***

Alec had a hard time to stifle his laugh while he listened to the argument his son had with his husband.

“But this is unfair. I don’t want to be a Shadowhunter. I want to be a warlock. Just like you Dad. Why don’t you teach me?” Jules pouted.

Alec didn’t hear Magnus’ answer, but the warlock came out of Jules’ room a minute later, throwing his hands up in the air.

“Alexander, talk some sense into your son. I’ve never seen anyone as stubborn as this one. Except…”

“Jace.” They both laughed.

Jules strolled out of his room.

“Was Uncle Jace also a Shadowhunter?” he asked while curling up on Alec’s lap.

“Then I suppose it is ok that I will be one. Tell me a story about Uncle Jace.”

Alec smiled, burying his head shortly in the freshly-bathed blond hair, which had the same shade than Jace’s. He pressed a kiss to the boy’s forehead and smiled. Jules loved stories about his Uncle. And, thankfully, there were enough to tell.

Alec had not been able to prevent Jace’s first death, but as long as he lived, as long as his son lived, Jace would never die a second time.

**Author's Note:**

> It was emotional to write, so please let me know what you think & feel, I really thrive on comments and kudos. Thank you so much :-)


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